Don’t Weaponize Intimacy To Prove You Matter

In this episode, Donavon explores what it really means to “know your truth” when you’re hurt and tempted to get even. He breaks down the difference between communicating and scorekeeping, why weaponized intimacy is so destructive, and how unspoken expectations turn into “you owe me” energy. You’ll get specific journal prompts to process rejection, ego bruises, and betrayal without turning into the person you’re trying to heal from. This conversation is for anyone who’s ever wanted to clap back, pull away on purpose, or make someone feel what you felt—and is finally ready to choose a different story. Music by DayFox. 

Chapters

• 0:00 Mirror Moment And Core Premise
• 1:02 Host Intro And Morning Frame
• 1:25 Hurt And The Urge To Get Even
• 2:31 Year Of The Snake To Horse Reframe
• 3:24 Shedding, Processing, And Emotional Junk
• 4:37 Self-Talk And Living Alone Awakening
• 6:04 Heartbreak Lessons And Don’ts
• 7:08 Weaponizing Intimacy And Scorekeeping
• 9:00 Justice Vs Payback Across Relationships
• 10:55 Unspoken Agreements And Boundaries
• 12:12 Choosing Communication Over Revenge
• 13:22 Practices For Processing Without Harm
• 14:12 Journal Prompts And Final Reflection

Transcript

Mirror Moment And Core Premise

SPEAKER_01 0:00

After one of those late adult nights, I came home and took a real long look at myself in the mirror and told myself, you don't want to be the kind of person real love has to protect itself from. And I know part of that comes from what we've seen growing up or in past relationships, but at the end of the day, we're the ones deciding whether to keep reaching for the weapon or to put it down. It's your host, Donovan, and guess what? It's a beautiful morning, the sun is out, and we've got another shot at moving through the myth and the meaning and seeing ourselves a little clearer because of it. So we've gotta take advantage of that. Deal, deal pickle. Okay, friend, here's what I want to know. Have you ever been so hurt by someone that you just wanted to hurt them back twice as bad? Okay, yeah, that's what I want to talk about today because weaponizing intimacy just to prove I mattered and to make someone hurt how I was hurting has been one of the ugliest things I've ever caught myself doing. I hope this year is off to a great start for you. I know I came into this one ready to make shit happen. I've got punch cards, I've got a new planner, and I've got promises I've made to myself that I need to see through. Okay, so watch out, 2026, because here I come. Well, hold up. Life is saying hold your horses just a little bit longer. I say that because I came across a TikTok the other day, right? And I know we all side-eye TikTok sometimes because of screen time and because of how much it's being censored now, but sometimes it really is feeding us something that actually changes the human experience for us in the best way. And right before the new year, my FYP was full of people talking about leaving 2025 and the year of the snake behind and being ready to step into 2026, the year of the horse. The snake was all about grief and endings and lifted veils, full-on life detox. And the horse, the fire horse to be exact, is about alignment, power, and a return to the truth. So yeah, I was there too getting my boots and my cowboy hat ready because someone said we ride at dawn. But this one video I'm talking about pointed out that the year of the horse doesn't even start until February 17th. Which means, technically, we're still in snake season. We're still shedding, and these next couple of weeks are still a crucial time for understanding exactly what veils are being lifted and what cycles are ending. We've got to figure out what actually needs to go so we're not lugging the same emotional junk into February when we actually need our boots and cowboy hats and to saddle up. We've really got to take more time to process. And speaking of processing, I know that's not always easily done, right? It's not always fun to process feelings and emotions. Especially ones we've intentionally swept under the rug for months, even years. But I've always said the things we avoid and don't process will always be lingering under the surface, weighing us down, holding us back. And they like to come up for air every now and then, and it's always at the worst time. So process it now, right? But like I said, I get it, it's not always easy or fun. For me, I've always been someone who talks to themselves since as far back as I can remember. It's always helped me to voice things out loud. That's one of the main ways I process the shit I'm kind of elbowing my way through or weighing options on in my life. It helps me to practice how things might sound. And you know, I've never done that more in my life than when I moved into my first home and started living on my own. Living on my own was like this giant awakening. I didn't have a curfew, I could have people over till whatever time I wanted, and I lived in my space on my own terms. And there's so much I've learned, not just in adulthood, but in having my own space like that. You know, I think back on the first year or two, living on my own, and just how much of a shock it was to experience so much life so quickly. Yes, I threw parties and stayed out late and did all the fun stuff, but I also became acquainted with adult responsibilities. I became acquainted with adult disappointments and adult setbacks. And you really do see yourself a lot differently when you become responsible for your own life in that way. And that's why I ask if you've ever been so hurt by someone that you just wanted to get them back, because in those first few years of living on my own terms, I also became acquainted with heartbreak on a whole other level. And I'm not saying I'm an expert by any means, but I did learn a lot. I learned about my triggers, my insecurities, my bad habits, and so much more. And just how much I was one of the biggest contributors to the cycles that cause the heartbreak I experienced. It got old fast, and wanting to break the cycle once and for all helped me create a list of do's and don'ts. And the first definite don't is don't weaponize intimacy to prove you matter. If someone hurts you, and your first instinct is to get back at them, or to shame and guilt them just so you feel a little better or a little taller. You're not protecting your heart. You're just trying to score. When I was seeing myself in that new on-my own light, I saw that. I saw myself trying to hurt someone because they didn't treat me how I thought I should be treated, or because they didn't show up for me the way I showed up for them, or because they crossed a line in my head that I'd never actually said out loud.

SPEAKER_00 7:50

They hurt my feelings.

SPEAKER_01 7:53

And instead of being an adult and owning that, I called them a horrible person. Told myself they were the problem, and used that as fuel to go for the jugular. And that doesn't make me the bigger person. That doesn't make me better, that doesn't make me right. It just makes me the one holding the weapon now.

SPEAKER_00 8:20

But being hurt by someone we love or care about is a giant feeling, right?

Justice Vs Payback Across Relationships

SPEAKER_01 8:25

And it blinds us sometimes. That's what happens when it goes from connection to all of a sudden confusion. I remember one night after a fight, after being hurt by someone, I was pacing the hallway and the kitchen, replaying every word that was said, every action that was done, using it all as fuel to help me find the one perfect line or message I could type out and text to them that would maybe make it hard for them to get any kind of sleep. That would make them feel bad, feel it as much as I was feeling it. And I sent it. And maybe, maybe it worked. But it never made anything better. It never made me better. It did though make me realize when I did that, when I weaponized intimacy like that, I wasn't trying to be understood anymore.

SPEAKER_00 9:31

I was trying to win.

Unspoken Agreements And Boundaries

Choosing Communication Over Revenge

Practices For Processing Without Harm

Journal Prompts And Final Reflection

SPEAKER_01 9:36

It's crazy when we learn things like that, right? Like when we see ourselves going through it and doing it and experiencing it, we recognize when other people are going through it too. And that's what happened. I watched other people do the same. They said they wanted justice, but they just wanted payback. Not just in dating, either. Family group chats, friendships, work, church, all of it. Anywhere there's history and access, people turn hurt into ammo. I watched people at the drop of a hat pulling out endless receipts, listing all who hurt them and all the ways how. I'd be in group chats watching people say, Oh, they want to play with me? Bet I can be petty too. And the only thing that popped into my head and made me shrink a little because it applied to me too, was okay, but what did they actually agree to? And what did I add in my head? And what part did I actually play in all of this? That's one of the hardest lessons in boundaries and communication. You can't hold someone to an agreement you never asked them to make. And once you see that, it gets a lot harder to justify burning the whole thing down just to prove you were the one who got hurt most. No, that doesn't mean it's your fault if someone took advantage of you. It just means that pain doesn't give you a free pass to become just as reckless with someone else's feelings or heart or life. No matter how unfair the hurt is. It's not a hall pass to say things you don't mean. To turn into a person who keeps hurting people, or to drag someone else's character, just so the disappointment feels easier to hold. Turning someone into the villain can make any kind of rejection sting less for like maybe a minute. But it also pulls you further away from what you actually want, which is real love, real understanding, real safety with someone. If you're with someone who can't offer you that, instead of turning yourself into enemy number one, just focus on you until you find someone who can. Step away from that environment. After one of those late adult nights, I came home and took a real long look at myself in the mirror and told myself, you don't want to be the kind of person real love has to protect itself from. And I know part of that comes from what we've seen growing up or in past relationships, but at the end of the day, we're the ones deciding whether to keep reaching for the weapon or to put it down. These days, when I catch myself wanting to clap back, pull away on purpose, or write the perfect guilt trip paragraph, I treat that as a warning sign, not a green light. That's my sign I'm not actually trying to communicate anymore. I'm trying to get even. And that I either need a real conversation or some distance, not an excuse to start playing the victim. When that you owe me story gets loud in my head, instead of spiraling into revenge texting or full-blown hurt people, hurt people tour, I take it to my journal, or to my best friend who I know will give it to me straight, or to my usual processing method of pacing the kitchen and talking things out loud to myself. Minus the get revenge at all costs part. I do the adult thing and I let myself sit with the sting, the rejection wound, the ego bruise, whatever it is, so I don't use what someone shared with me and trust as ammo or turn myself into the kind of person I'm actively trying to heal from. If this is landing for you and you think you might want to take it to your notes app or your journal later, ask yourself, where have my unspoken expectations turned into scorekeeping? You owe me energy or plans to make someone feel what I felt. How have I used what someone shared with me in trust as ammo? How have I weaponized intimacy? How have I used screenshots, secrets, soft spots as a way to get back at someone just because I was hurt? And what's one way I can respond to feeling triggered today that actually feels evolved and doesn't involve getting even or keeping score or becoming the kind of person I'm actively trying to heal from? I have to ask myself, what story am I actually trying to live out here? Am I chasing understanding or am I chasing a win? Because at the end of the day, my truth isn't they hurt me. My truth is I chose what I did with that hurt. Until the next one. Be careful.