Stay In The Room: Not Every Red Flag Means Run

In this milestone 50th episode, we’re diving into the art of navigating tough conversations and distinguishing between healthy discomfort and toxicity in relationships. I share personal reflections on conflict, growth, and the power of leaning into uncomfortable moments as opportunities for deeper connection and self-discovery. Whether it’s with a partner, friend, or family member, this episode is a heartfelt reminder to protect your peace, embrace vulnerability, and build relationships rooted in respect and understanding. Let’s talk about what it really means to grow through what we go through. Music by DayFox on Pixabay. 

Chapters

• 0:00 Navigating Discomfort in Relationships
• 15:06 Strengthening Relationships Through Understanding

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Trust me, I've been there thinking this isn't for me or this isn't working, just because the conversation felt too hard or too vulnerable, but the truth is, those moments taught me more about myself than any easy interaction ever could. So so, what's up, my friend? Welcome back to Donations. It's your host, donovan, and this is a big one for me. This episode the one you're listening to right now marks the 50th episode of Donations, episode of donations, which is insane to me because I remember in the beginning stages of donations, when it was just first being created, I had this giant worry that I'd run out of things to talk about or that there would never be another episode after the first one, and it's just mind-boggling to me, and a massive, massive thank you goes out to you for being here for all of them. I'm definitely going to have to find some special way to commemorate this and celebrate all that these 50 episodes represents, and that alone is just really, really special to me and I feel so grateful. So again, thank you.

Speaker 1: 2:05

I heard this quote recently that said we yell when we're in an argument or a discussion with someone because there's a part of us that feels so far away from them. We're so used to feeling close to the person on the other side of the discussion, that it's like this blaring red alert about how much space stands between us in this book that we're not on the same page on. And I completely get it because I've yelled before and that's hard to admit because that's so far out of character for me. But I know how the distance between you and someone you care deeply about can feel in times like that and I think too sometimes it makes us get defensive distance in those moments instead of focusing on the clear path standing right in front of us that we could take to get on the same page. And then when we fixate on the distance, it just grows a little bit too big to keep yelling about and to try and deal with. And then pretty soon we're just exhausted and we don't want to deal with it anymore and we shut down. And I think actually I'm pretty sure that I've mentioned this like a handful of times already how much I hate confrontation and I know I'm not alone in that.

Speaker 1: 3:42

I can recall every uncomfortable conversation or argument I've been on one side of, because they're permanently scarred into my mind. And of course when I can't sleep my mind likes to recall some of those arguments and come up with points I should have made or responses I should have said. And then pretty soon I get all fired up and then, oh look, it's 3 am and I'm still laying awake having these arguments like it's happening right now, while the other person is probably sound asleep without a care in the world. And to be honest, I still don't know why I engage with those arguments so much if they interrupt me and my peace like that. But then I get to thinking if they're still haunting me like that and in my space like that, then it's obviously because there's still a part of me that feels like it's unresolved or there's still a part of me that doesn't feel validated or stood up for.

Speaker 1: 4:48

But when these discussions or tough conversations were going on in the moment, it was just a little too uncomfortable either on my part or the other person's part, and so it was never fully dealt with or resolved and so one of us just got up and walked away. There was probably a couple that eventually sorted themselves out to and agree to disagree, or we're better off walking separate paths but most of them were just one second to the next walked away from. That's when I realized these unresolved feelings weren't just about the other person, they were a chance to face myself. I'm sure we've all done that before walked away from a tough conversation or an uncomfortable relationship moment because it felt too triggering. It made all these uncomfortable feelings boil up inside of us and our first instinct was to seek comfort and safety. And that safety definitely wasn't anywhere near whoever we were having an argument with, and I don't think that's just a relationship thing. Sometimes it's between us and a family member or us and a close friend, but still that closeness we've built before that argument makes it all the more tough.

Speaker 1: 6:22

And so we walk away right in the middle of everything, feeling so triggered and thinking this isn't for me or I don't need to put up with this, and we shut the door. Of course I 100% get the feeling of this is going nowhere. We're just going in circles. We need to give this relationship space. I get that. But when the reason we walk away is just because we're avoiding those uncomfortable feelings that we've never wanted to face, or the parts of ourselves that we've never wanted to face, or the parts of ourselves that we've always tried to hide, or when it's because we're avoiding facing harsh truths or the uncomfortable weight of accountability and blame, then I 100% believe we should at all costs keep that door open if it's one of those things. At all costs, keep that door open if it's one of those things To stay present and keep working to get on the same page, because closing the door is just walking away from a chance to grow.

Speaker 1: 7:31

Yes, when we're triggered, our first instinct is often to protect ourselves, but whether it's romantic, platonic or even professional, no meaningful connection comes without its moments of friction and TBH will find ourselves lonely and yearning for that connection. If all we do is avoid working on the things that can make us better partners or friends or parents or whatever it is. We get stuck in life and never find true growth and healing. When we take discomfort as a sign that a particular relationship isn't right or as a sign that our entire being is being attacked or worse, disrespected, when in reality, when what's really going on is that triggers are sparking fear and insecurity or some kind of past hurt or it feels like a blow to the ego. All those things are just a chance to know ourselves better if we can dig deep enough to see where they come from how they started and why they're coming up now. And let me say this loud and clear If a relationship is toxic, harmful or draining your energy, it's okay to leave.

Speaker 1: 9:00

But don't confuse healthy discomfort, the kind that pushes you to grow, with toxicity, because they're not the same. Healthy discomfort, this kind that I'm talking about, is when a conversation or moment challenges you to grow. It's when someone you trust brings up a tough truth or asks you to take accountability for something that might sting in the moment but that long-term, pushes you towards becoming a better version of yourself, and there's still a mutual respect and an undercurrent of care. But being toxic, on the other hand, or toxicity, is when there's no respect at all, there's manipulation and a disregard for your well-being. It's definitely an environment where you feel unsafe in all ways, like emotionally, mentally and physically. Toxicity doesn't push you to grow, it pulls you down, and it's the very thing that leaves you doubting your worth. And so how, then, do we tell the difference? I think that comes from asking ourselves is this discomfort rooted in mutual respect and care? Am I being asked to grow, or am I being attacked or diminished? Do I feel safe enough to express myself without fear of retaliation. If the answers point to healthy discomfort, it's 100% worth leaning into, but if it's toxicity, it's okay to walk away, because protecting your peace is not weakness, it's strength.

Speaker 1: 10:53

Now I know some of these things are ingrained in us the retreating or the deflecting or the avoidance in us the retreating or the deflecting or the avoidance. They're learned behaviors and are things we only know as the right thing to do or the only solution. And I know things like that don't all of a sudden change overnight and it's not like a switch that we can hit to turn it off. But it really takes being self-aware. It's about being willing to look in that mirror and knowing what triggers those responses to retreat or avoid. And two, knowing the kind of things like what makes you cry or what makes you get closer to someone, and then taking all of that knowledge and applying it to your life and your relationships, all for the sake of knowing that the life you live is meaningful and that you're not running from yourself. And for the record, when I say those responses are learned behaviors, it then leads into our ability to let go of any generational or past trauma that was handed to us, that we never really asked for, but that we've been carrying the weight of for what feels like forever, allowing it to sabotage our relationships and, ultimately, our peace.

Speaker 1: 12:22

Breaking those cycles and behaviors starts with learning to sit with discomfort instead of running from it. I think one of the biggest catalysts for growth is getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. And what better way to do that, and what better way to show up for ourselves and be the biggest cheerleader in our corner, than to teach ourselves to stay present when relationships get a little uncomfortable In a healthy way, of course, to remain tough and strong in the times that what we've been trying to avoid dealing with is staring us down saying it's about time you sort all of this out Now. In these tough relationship moments, what you don't want to do is engage in just an all-out screaming match. That does no one any good.

Speaker 1: 13:21

And yeah, of course, sometimes most times those are better to walk away from for the sake of cooling down before saying something you can't take back. But if it's not that and if it's everything you've been running from your whole life starting to rise to the surface, there's no better time than to practice pausing before reacting. There's no better time to take a deep breath and check yourself and your motives for wanting to walk away, no better time to stay and try and understand yourself and each other better and to remember the bigger picture that is connection and healing. Trust me, I've been there thinking this isn't for me or this isn't working, just because the conversation felt too hard or too vulnerable. But the truth is those moments taught me more about myself than any easy interaction ever could. I've learned that growth doesn't come from avoiding discomfort. It comes from leaning into it with an open mind and heart. Yes, there's wisdom in knowing when to walk away, but there's also wisdom in staying to face the challenge and grow and to rise higher and to love deeper and to understand yourself better, to build resilience and deepen your connections. Don't let discomfort rob you of the growth you're capable of.

Speaker 1: 15:06

When was the last time you found yourself walking away from a conversation with someone you cared for because of feeling a little too triggered? And when was the last time old patterns that you've been trying to break for so long were challenged in a disagreement? I hope this inspires you to take a moment to reflect and maybe even revisit the times you were asked to face yourself in that way, with a new point of view and an open mindset, and remember that the next time you're in a tough conversation with someone close to you, see it as a chance not to defend yourself, but to discover yourself. The person across from you isn't your opponent. They're your teammate, and together you can work through anything, and together you can work through anything. If this message resonated with you, share it with someone you care about, and let's keep building relationships that feel calm and connected and full of intention Until the next one. Take care of yourself and your relationships and be careful. Thank you.