Don-ations
Ever since I was a kid, I've always been called the sensitive one because of my inability to hide any emotion. Fast forward to my adult years and I'm no longer trying to hide what I'm feeling, I'm wearing my emotions like a badge of honor and using them as tools to help me navigate this crazy and chaotic yet beautiful life. This podcast is simple, I'm going to share simple stories that have taught me some great lessons. I'll share tips that I'm implementing to become the best version of myself. I'll share with you what's helped me navigate dating, relationships, family and friendship dynamics, love, and self discovery. And I'll dive into the human experience, whether just me or with guests, and hopefully shed some light, for you and me, on what the meaning of life just might be. I'm not trying to make it look like I have all the answers, I'm just trying to make it known I'm on this amazing ride too, right there by your side.
Don-ations
Sorry Not Sorry, But Your Apology Isn't Enough
If you've ever felt like someone's "sorry" wasn't enough after they've hurt you or done you wrong, than this is the episode for you. In it, I tackle the pitfalls of a victim mentality and stress the importance of setting boundaries when apologies lack sincerity, and how accountability is one of the cornerstones of relationships of any kind, and a key to feel seen and heard. Music by DayFox on Pixabay.
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Showing someone that you can own your actions doesn't cause connections to fall apart. It's what helps them grow stronger. And we don't grow as people, as a team, as a couple, as a friend group, as any of that, by looking past issues. We grow by holding each other accountable to be better. Thank you, good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Welcome back to Donations. I'm your host, donovan, and I genuinely want to thank you for joining me today. It's always extra special when I know you're here with me, so I greatly appreciate it. Let me break it down for you real quick.
Speaker 1:I usually don't look forward to the colder months come December, january and February. I'm not really a big fan, only because I spend a good chunk of my day outside and when the cold months come around it feels like they kind of interfere with my daily routine. But this year I'm feeling like I'm going to settle into a mindset where I'm not going to allow that to happen. I'm not going to let it interfere with my day-to-day business. So I'm holding strong to that, looking forward to how that all unfolds. I've already got my Christmas tree up and don't jump down my throat, but I love Thanksgiving. I really really love Thanksgiving and I really really look forward to it and I love the feeling that I get come Thanksgiving. I really really love Thanksgiving and I really really look forward to it and I love the feeling that I get come Thanksgiving. But I'm just really wanting to feel the Christmas spirit as much as I can this year because I really didn't settle into it a lot last year, if I'm being quite honest. So we're making sure we feel all that holly jolly this year. So I put up my Christmas tree and I love it and it feels right.
Speaker 1:And I say all that just to say that I genuinely hope you find yourself in a place where you remain headstrong, spirit strong, heart strong this fall, winter and Christmas season, because I know there are a lot of parts and characteristics in those times that can really play on the mind and the heart and kind of try to tear those things down. But just remember that even when it feels like no one hears you, you're not alone. You You're not alone. So I want you to do me a favor. I want you to think about a time that someone hurt you. I know this may be a controversial take, but I'm pretty, actually fairly, confident that you'll side with me on this.
Speaker 1:You know, in those times that someone has hurt you and they've apologized, sometimes sorry just isn't enough. And I have to say it and I don't care how it makes me sound, because I think we've all been there before. Someone hurts us, they apologize and while their apology is appreciated and while it does do a little bit to put some of that hurt aside so that we can move forward, at the same time it doesn't quite feel like it covers everything. There's still a little part of me that's like no, your sorry or apology doesn't work here, and I know that sounds like straight up bitterness, but it's not that. It's like something else is missing. And there have been a time or two where I've felt like that but couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was and it was just like cool, we squashed it. But really I haven't squashed anything because I still don't feel like you understand the hurt and that leaves my feelings feeling invalidated. Well, for the past couple of weeks I've been doing that dance again, again, trying to figure out what it is that would help me shift from just squashing it for the sake of squashing it to feeling validated and eager to actually move forward. And after doing some digging.
Speaker 1:I'm pretty confident that it's accountability. When someone wrongs, especially someone close to us, I think what we're feeling isn't just about the mistake. What really stings is a lot deeper than that. It's about feeling unseen or unchosen or disregarded or unimportant in that moment, like not a priority, or unimportant in that moment, like not a priority. And sure, a sorry acknowledges the surface, but it doesn't always validate your emotions or show that the other person truly gets what makes this whole hurt feel as bad or as big as it does. And this is where I think accountability fills those holes. And by saying accountability I mean really standing up and saying, yeah, I hurt you and here's what I'm going to do about it, or here's what I'm going to do to make sure it doesn't happen again. An apology is nice, but without real acknowledgement and corrective action it can feel pretty hollow or useless, and I know that sounds ugly and I know too that some people just aren't capable of that right.
Speaker 1:This is something you and I both know, because we've been hurt plenty of times before, to see when someone is emotionally mature enough or not to try to correct how they hurt people. And to those people, what I'm trying to emphasize here is that we want to know you understand our feelings and that you are actively working to make things right, because that's how we rebuild our trust. And rebuilding trust doesn't come from words alone. It comes from actions that prove someone is willing to change. And what gets me really riled up is the fact that, like I don't want to be hurt, especially not by you, if the relationship that we have has always been one of love and respect, and so it's not like I'm holding on to this hurt for the sake of pushing you out of my life. I'm actually in your corner rooting for you to make it right, to show me that corrective action. I'm in your corner giving you that grace but don't mistake that grace for endless patience, patience, accountability is the only way forward, and I just think about how powerful accountability is In an age where anything anyone says or does can easily be recorded and sent out to the entire world within seconds, and to have consequences be paid in one form or another has some of us taking a little more than a couple of seconds to think about what we say or do next, and whether it's the right or wrong thing.
Speaker 1:Because we know accountability exists, but we also know that some simply don't care to take those extra couple of seconds because they don't know what it is to be held accountable, don't care to take those extra couple of seconds because they don't know what it is to be held accountable. Just the other day I came across a video on TikTok of this girl confronting this group of guys who passed by her and her friends and uttered a slur at them. But the second she pulled out her phone to record. They started apologizing or asking not to be recorded and one of the guys was like it wasn't me, it wasn't me, I didn't say it and I get it. Some people just don't care and, again, they think they can just say or do whatever they want. But at some point that's learned behavior from somewhere, or it's a learned response to never being held accountable, never being shown consequences, never being shown that they can't get away with something like that and all of that is one thing right.
Speaker 1:But I really want to try and take a look at it from the other side too, because, as you already know, I'm not perfect. So of course I've been on the other end of things, of course I've done something to hurt someone close to me and getting caught up in trying to tally up the score like who's done more hurting doesn't really work right Because we've all been the one in the wrong before and sometimes it's easy to recognize when a quick I'm sorry won't cut it and then sometimes it's not that easy. But regardless of that part, I know it can be really hard to face the discomfort of knowing we hurt someone and, trust me, I know sometimes it's easier to just offer an affectionate gesture in hopes that it's accepted and in the times that it is accepted, just move on, tossing the rest of the issue or what happened behind us or any need for communication or a conversation, just tossing that behind us like it didn't happen or a conversation, just tossing that behind us like it didn't happen. But the whole facing it part is, I think, the necessary part.
Speaker 1:It's essential to take full ownership and accountability of when you've hurt me or when I've hurt you, because true forgiveness isn't about letting things slide, it's about making sure they don't happen again. Isn't about letting things slide, it's about making sure they don't happen again. A big first step in that is acknowledging the pain caused and recognizing the impact it had. I can't tell you how huge it would be to hear. I realize that what I did really hurt you and I can see why you feel the way you do. And I say that because that goes beyond just saying sorry. It shows that you understand the emotional weight of what happened, and I think it takes a full emotional grasp on the situation to not only want to hear that said to you, but to be a person who's willing and able to say it to someone else said to you, but to be a person who's willing and able to say it to someone else. After that. It's about validating the experience, which is a pretty crucial part.
Speaker 1:Right, and I've said this a million times before relationships take work, every kind of relationship, whether it's friends, family, significant others and in those it's a given that someone will hurt someone else. And I think a big contributor to feeling secure in any one of those relationships is knowing that you're constantly progressing forward and not feeling stagnant in past, hurt. And so it takes saying things like I want you to know I'm taking this seriously, I don't want to just apologize, I want to understand how I can do better for you or I or anyone to feel heard and to feel reassured that work is being put in to prevent the same hurts from happening again. And then one just follow through, show through actions that you're committed to change, because those words and those powerful phrases are only the beginning. If you've crossed a line or your lines have been crossed, make sure those lines are actively respected, going forward. I get it.
Speaker 1:To feel hurt by someone is one thing, but there can sometimes come a struggle with the idea of demanding accountability from the one who hurt you and who still wants to be in your life, because it can feel like you're being too harsh or unforgiving or just harping on something that's already been said and done. But here's the thing it's not about being cold or bitter, it's not about holding a grudge. It's about wanting to know that the person who hurt you genuinely cares enough to make a change. So no, you're not harping. You're asking them to step in your shoes, understand your pain and show you that your feelings matter enough to influence their actions. And that's a tough conversation to approach, right, I get it.
Speaker 1:It's a tough conversation to approach, much less have, especially when it feels like a simple apology isn't landing right. It's like I need you to walk in my shoes for a minute. I need you to understand the weight of this and how I feel and that you're willing to do what it takes to make sure this doesn't happen again. That takes the whole situation from being about right and wrong to being about empathy, to being about simply caring. So no, it's not about ah, you just can't let it go. You want to be mad? You want to be upset? Absolutely not. It's about. I want us to connect here, I want us to move forward, but I need to know you're with me in understanding how this affected me. I'll be real because, like I said before, I've been on both sides of this. I know it's human nature to want to smooth things over without having to talk about it, without diving into the discomfort of our mistakes, without diving into the discomfort of our mistakes.
Speaker 1:But while avoiding that, avoiding accountability might seem like the easier route, it never leads to real healing, and what relationships and families and friendships thrive on is an avoidance. It's accountability and earnestness. Showing someone that you can own your actions doesn't cause connections to fall apart. It's what helps them grow stronger. And we don't grow as people, as a team, as a couple, as a friend group, as any of that, by looking past issues. We grow by holding each other accountable to be better.
Speaker 1:And speaking of that, when an apology doesn't feel like it's enough and no one's being held accountable, what's the first thing that we do? We go to those close to us or we run to our friends and we ask whether we're overreacting or making a big deal out of nothing, or who's in the right or who's in the wrong, because we're trying to get some validation right. But when it all still feels unresolved, we end up making it everyone else's problem and suddenly we're all looking for an apology from someone. It's like we're transferring that unresolved feeling onto everyone else, waiting for them to make sense of it for us. But in reality no one can give us the resolution we need except the person responsible and ourselves for holding them accountable.
Speaker 1:And look, we also have to be careful not to get caught up in seeing every apology as not enough. When we've been hurt, it's really easy to get stuck in a pattern of wanting more and more validation for that hurt, almost like any apology will never be enough because the pain runs too deep for that. But healing really is a two-way street. While the person who hurt us must take accountability, we also have to give them the space to prove they're changing. We have to be so careful not to fall into victim mentality where we see ourselves as always being wronged and nothing anyone does is ever enough to fix it. Navigating the world like that only builds resentment and isolation.
Speaker 1:And relationships thrive on accountability, yes, but they also thrive on grace, giving people room to grow and to prove their efforts and learning what the true meaning of forgiveness is for the sake of moving forward. Because without all of that we isolate ourselves in our own pain. At some point we have to be open to accepting their efforts or we risk building a wall that keeps us stuck in that resentment and damages our ability to heal. But that doesn't mean allow someone to walk all over us right, and I know you know this. But for the people in the back of the room, if you don't see the accountability being taken after you've given so much grace and have tried to move forward in a way that heals and validates and corrects every side of the equation, then there must come a time where you no longer open the door when this uncorrected action comes knocking and knocking again. Because if we don't speak up, if we don't take that necessary action, if we don't set the standard for what's acceptable, then part of the blame falls on us.
Speaker 1:If we continue accepting apologies without seeing changed behavior, then we're the ones just looking past the issue and giving someone the benefit of the doubt every single time. And what does that do for us? It creates a habit where we give someone more credit than they deserve. It creates a mentality that hurt is constantly okay as long as a sorry is attached at the end. And at that point, without the change we're looking for, who's really to blame for the continued hurt? Ourselves.
Speaker 1:So how, then? How do we avoid adopting this victim mentality? We observe? We observe that this hurt, this wrongdoing, this resentful feeling is not becoming us. It's passing through us and you have to let it go. We must grow and learn from it.
Speaker 1:Accountability is important, but holding on to the pain forever is not. We have to find peace in our ability to grow, and part of that is learning when to release what no longer serves us. And I know sometimes, when hurts happen, things just kind of go radio silent and it's just enough silence that the right amount of time passes and it's like we almost basically forget the hurt and we're just over it and just want the chance to move forward. Well, you know who doesn't forget you guessed it that inner child we're learning to parent. Those unresolved hurts are really just sitting in the background, and you know it, and I know it. And they turn into anger and resentment and it'll get hot enough that they'll start to boil and resurface when we least expect it or when a trigger we weren't expecting makes all shit hit the fan. So remember that if we're not holding people accountable, we're only failing ourselves in the present, but we're failing the inner child that still craves to be protected and valued.
Speaker 1:Look, at the end of the day, none of us are perfect. We're all going to mess up, we'll hurt people we care about and we'll find ourselves needing to apologize. We'll find ourselves needing to say sorry, but the goal is to move towards real accountable actions that heal whatever hurt was caused and make the relationships that matter most stronger. Accountability is the bridge between hurt and healing. Whether you're the one apologizing or the one receiving the apology, know that actions always speak louder than words. We all just want to be seen and heard. Until the next one, be careful, thank you.