Don-ations
Ever since I was a kid, I've always been called the sensitive one because of my inability to hide any emotion. Fast forward to my adult years and I'm no longer trying to hide what I'm feeling, I'm wearing my emotions like a badge of honor and using them as tools to help me navigate this crazy and chaotic yet beautiful life. This podcast is simple, I'm going to share simple stories that have taught me some great lessons. I'll share tips that I'm implementing to become the best version of myself. I'll share with you what's helped me navigate dating, relationships, family and friendship dynamics, love, and self discovery. And I'll dive into the human experience, whether just me or with guests, and hopefully shed some light, for you and me, on what the meaning of life just might be. I'm not trying to make it look like I have all the answers, I'm just trying to make it known I'm on this amazing ride too, right there by your side.
Don-ations
Don-sessions: Scrolling Stressed Me Out but Also Taught Me About Attachment Styles feat. Mia
What if stepping out of your comfort zone could unlock growth and deeper connections in your life? Join my good friend Mia, and I, as she shares her transformative experiences of embracing life and connection in Austin, Texas, and how much social media has caused us stress and anxiety - but how what we've learned because of it has helped us with our offline struggles. Music by DayFox on Pixabay.
Follow me on Instagram & Tiktok! @Donavon.Baeza
Head over to fanlist.com/donations to be featured on the show!
For me, you know, maybe I feel like I can be better or feel better, like in a mind state where I am down because I've I've survived through that so many times that like it's almost comfortable for me to be in that place.
Speaker 2:What's up everybody. Welcome back to Donations Donovan and I'm especially excited about today's episode because I'm joined by my good friend, mia, who I've known for what feels like forever now and who has always provided me with a safe space to be myself. So I knew I had to get her on the show. And Mia has been navigating a newfound love for life and connection out in Austin, texas, for the past three years and she's learned just how crucial connection is to her personal growth journey, and I can't wait for you to hear all about it. In this episode we're diving into the pressures of social media and how much they can influence our offline lives. We talk about setting boundaries, becoming our best selves and navigating our attachment styles. We also talk about how we're just trying to be a bit more forgiving with ourselves and how sometimes what we learn online can help us with our struggles in real life. So let's jump in All right, mia? Thank you so much for doing this with me. How long have we known each other?
Speaker 1:Take it all the way back to the 2000s.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think we met like in 2008. But you've always been really sweet to me and I feel like you and I have always connected on a very grounded level and I've always appreciated that and I'm really glad you are here with me today that's so sweet because I feel the exact same way.
Speaker 1:I always felt like you were such like a good person to be around, like positive, a sweet, outgoing, funny guy, so I appreciate you even taking the time considering me to have this conversation with a sit down. Of course. I'm truly honored. Honestly, I love it. I'm so excited.
Speaker 2:How are you doing what's new and exciting in your world?
Speaker 1:New and exciting. Well, I mean, I'm here out in Austin just kind of exploring, navigating life, just trying to experience as much as I can, you know, and like, have fun and have joy doing it, you know. So it's been good, it's been good, I've enjoyed it for sure.
Speaker 2:I'm glad to hear it. The same, you know, it feels like, I guess, when I hear that question, like what's new, what's exciting in your life, and it sometimes feels like there's not a lot going on because it's like the day-to-day, just like routine, right. But at the same time I'm excited to wake up in the mornings again and I feel like I'm really making progress in the things that bring me joy and things.
Speaker 2:I'm passionate about and, like you said, just experiencing things and living life to the fullest, like I think it's a, it's a really good pocket to be in and I feel like I'm finding my place there again. So that's, I mean, that's what's new with me.
Speaker 1:I feel like I can see that, I can definitely see that, yeah, yeah, I feel like I can see you having like, just like true happiness out there, like, but like at the same time, like finding yourself, you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So I mean keep shining dude For real. Thanks, I appreciate that. I love watching you.
Speaker 2:You know and I'm not just saying this to throw the compliment right back at you, but I really genuinely see it with you and all that you're doing online too, and that's one of the main reasons why I wanted to reach out to you and and do this is because I really see that and with your social media presence, I feel like it's kind of in a place where you're being really creative and you're kind of like showing, you're putting yourself out there no, I, I agree with you.
Speaker 1:um, yeah, I think that's like been one of the toughest things for me, honestly. Honestly is just putting myself out there. I feel like I've always struggled with that and I think now I'm just kind of like, like you said, like getting into a pocket where I'm just I'm just like you know what, like this is me. I'm going to put myself out there and I'm going to share the things that I like and, you know, hopefully I'll attract things that like me back you know yeah.
Speaker 1:And are positive for me, and so that's really what my whole journey has been about. I mean really just like in the last maybe six months and ultimately, like, that's kind of what it's all about, you know, putting yourself out there, being you, and it turns out to be fun sometimes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I know it can be really scary and, in putting ourselves out there, find ourselves in situations where we're like uncomfortable and we kind of walk away from it thinking, yeah, I don't want to do that anymore. But there are times I'd like to think more than anything else, that it is fun and that we learn more about ourselves and we kind of like open up the space that we take up in the world and don't shy away from, like you said, who we are and sharing that with others and, like you said, we attract what we put out there. But yeah, I know we've been navigating a lot lately. How have you been feeling about your social media presence and how it's impacted your life so far?
Speaker 1:and how it's impacted your life so far.
Speaker 1:You know, I think, since I started sharing and just like not really caring anymore about what people think or like what people are going to say, I feel like opportunities have just like opened up so much, not even just like in like the photography sense, but just in friendships too. I've made new friends that I feel like in the past I would have maybe been a little bit more introverted, but I feel myself being more open to being extroverted and talking with people and asking them questions about themselves and getting to know them, asking them questions about themselves and getting to know them, even if it's just a stranger, like a passerby, or like smiling more at people that I walk by and seeing. Like those encounters just completely shift from being like you know that the hard ass or like the softball player you got to be, got to have your demeanor. You know you can't be too high, you can't be too low and I think, just like old, old habits and old ways of thinking I've. That's what I'm changing and I like it.
Speaker 2:I like it a lot I totally get that because I think that's one of the things that I've always tried to like.
Speaker 2:Combat is like when you go out there and you're trying to like connect with people when you're in social settings, there's always those people that kind of have that tough like demeanor right, or they want to present themselves as really cool and tough and yeah almost a little bit cold, right, because that's praised a little bit, but I've always wanted to be the guy that's like no, come on, like put that all away, like let's connect here, let's let's find something that we can really be passionate about and have a good conversation about and find ways that we can learn from each other, you know.
Speaker 1:Yes, connection. That's the word that I've been using lately just to describe what I'm looking for in friends, relationships and anything just connecting with people on a deeper level. So I'm glad that in friends, relationships and anything just connecting with people on a deeper level. So I'm glad that you use that word, because that word just keeps coming up in my life right now. So that's crazy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's like we're trying to connect with people. We're trying to find the people that we can relate to right, so that we don't feel so alone, that we don't feel like we're so isolated in our experiences that we're the only person going through this hard time the only person that had trouble with this, right?
Speaker 2:I totally get it and I know sometimes it can when you talk about putting yourself out there and the parts of that that can be really scary. I guess comparison and self-worth come into play there, because it's like, oh well, there may not be a chance for a connection here because I may not compare to this person or what they're doing, right. Or there may not be a chance for connection with this person because I'm questioning my self-worth or I'm doubting what I bring to the table, right. But do you ever catch yourself comparing your life to what you see on social media or anybody else?
Speaker 1:Man, you know, all the time, all all the time, as much as I don't want to. Um, yeah, I mean, I see, you know, I see people out there doing things that I want to do, or maybe they might seem super happy and I feel like not so much that it's like bothered me. I feel like I try not to let that get to me because I know, like, what I have and what I'm grateful for and thankful for, you know, but I would be lying if I said that. You know, I didn't compare.
Speaker 1:You know, I'm seeing, I'm seeing a lot of photography content.
Speaker 1:I'm seeing a lot of photographers do the things that I want to do, or be where I want to be, or making the money that I want to make, and I just I'm like you know what, like I told myself when I started, I was like I don't want to put my hands and try to control it too much, I want it to just flow and whatever happens from it flowing, I feel like, ultimately, I would be happier instead of trying to get an advantage here or look for an opportunity here and try to make it, like you know, just like doing too much, too fast.
Speaker 1:I do and still wanted to really I do and still want to really just take my time with it because I have so much to learn, so so much to learn and to get better at. And you know, they always say, like the beauty is in the process and that's where I kind of want to stay. I want to stay right there thinking about it in that mind state, rather than looking at what everybody else got and has and being like, oh, I wish I was there. I wish I was there because I want to enjoy where I'm at.
Speaker 2:Right, it's so crazy that you say that, because I feel that too, like I guess with this podcast, for instance, or anything that I put on social media. I get caught up sometimes in thinking like, well, if I'm seeing this person do this online and post these things and it's getting all the likes and all the comments, then I should try to emulate that. Or I should try and find a place where, like, if that's what people want, then how can I give the people what they want, right?
Speaker 2:yes, so that I can get the comments and I can get the likes right but at the same time like then or when that happens I stop enjoying enjoying it. I stopped enjoying the process. I feel pressured, I feel stressed out about it and, like you said, I'm trying to find that place where I'm always enjoying it, like if I'm not passionate about some topic or whatever I'm talking about, then I don't want to put it out there because it's not going to come off as genuine.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I, I, I do. You, are you ever like on instagram? So like? I'm sure there's like some podcasters that you follow that you like, thoroughly enjoy, and you see them being authentic and you're like man, like I know I can create content like that, or know that I am authentic and I could create exact same thing, but do it in my own way, you know. Yeah, so I like it's the same thing, Like I have like photographers that I follow and I'm like man, like they're they're literally showing me like the blueprint, you know, on how they are having you know success or getting getting those views, um, and all that.
Speaker 1:And I, I mean I I think in my life I have done, when I'm, when I'm doing something or I'm trying to do something like you are trying to like emulate what other people are doing. You know like, and I can I always attribute it back to like sports, cause that's like you know what I did and it's like you know you see the way that they swing or they hit or the way they throw, and they're experts. You know they're really, really good and so you try to emulate that.
Speaker 1:And I mean the best ideas are copied ideas you know right, yeah, so I feel like there's there's a balance. You know you're not trying to do exactly what they're doing, but I do think that you can like, pick and choose. Okay, I like the way they do this, I like the way they do that and I don't really like that. I'm gonna tweak it to how I like it.
Speaker 2:So I think there is good in like looking up to somebody else doing what you're doing yeah, you can definitely take things like that and use them as motivation and, like you said, put your own spin on it, do it your way, and I think that's like not only just for social media. I think we can look at that like in life too. Right, there's people that want to go into the same profession as someone else or just whatever it is, whether it's online or offline, like where there are already people doing what we want to do right, and of course, we draw inspiration and you know, ideas from that. But I think putting our own stamp on things or carving our own path with those ideas or inspirations in our back pocket, like that's how we carve out our way, that's how we find our journey, that's how we find our path.
Speaker 1:Exactly.
Speaker 2:And I say all that but still like question why do you think we put so much value on what everybody else is doing, the life that everybody else is having online, and is it realistic to use those as benchmarks or places that we should aspire to get to?
Speaker 1:I think it just depends on what your end goal is, you know, and it's different for everybody. Um, that's a tough question.
Speaker 2:That's a tough question I, I think we put value on it because it's it's packaged very nicely, right like we just catch a glimpse of someone's life online, and it's packaged really nicely and it's like it's got the filters on and it's got the nice emotional music in the background and it's this short presentation maybe like 30 seconds of their full day that we get to see and we attach that to everything we're seeing in our life right now.
Speaker 2:It's like, well, I didn't see that today. Then we devalue ourselves in that way when we, when we compare in that sense and I, you know, I think it's it's that dopamine hit that we get, like when we see these things, those things fire off in our brain that like we get excited and we feel good about and then we realize that it's we're watching someone else in someone else's life and just that alone is why we value it so much and try to have our lives match, match that but, I mean, I think it takes like bringing it all the way back down to realize that's not realistic, that's not their whole day.
Speaker 2:You know they're going through struggles too, they're experiencing rough patches too. They're trying to get over the hurdle of whatever you know. And we, we forget that because we're just getting those hits of excitement when we scroll through these videos or these photos it's kind of messed up, isn't it?
Speaker 2:yeah, it's, I don't want to get into like the cynical side of it, but it's like I mean they definitely know what they're doing yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure, and I mean, like you said, it's a balance right, like we can find motivation and really like push ourselves to reach goals, right, but at the same time, we can kind of get down on ourselves, feeling like we're not doing enough, and so maybe there are some ways to use what we see other people doing online as benchmarks, at the same time going back to carving our own path also think, too, like it's based on what your angle is.
Speaker 1:So for me it's like photography, so I'm following a lot of photographers, but at the same time it's you know, I I'm not just looking at photography content, so it's also based on what else I follow. If you're watching good things and you're scrolling and you're seeing good things, you're probably going to have a more positive outlook on it, as opposed to if you're following more toxic things, yeah, then that's probably going to hit you a lot more of like oh, I wish I was there, oh, I wish I had that, I wish I had that, or I wish I had that life, and it can put you down and it can drain you and that sucks, you know, I wish and some people don't even realize that's what they're following, you know. So I just try to watch what I intake and how much I intake it, because that also plays a part into your whole mental state.
Speaker 2:If I'm being completely honest, I think I've experienced a bit more anxiety because of the things I've seen online and we're shown what we interact with, right. That's why they call it the for you page or whatever you know like. It's curated towards what we interact with and, yeah, I think we've got to be really careful about what we're feeding ourselves.
Speaker 1:What do you think about? Because, like, you do have a for you page, but do you ever find yourself, whenever you hop on an app and you start scrolling, you start seeing the same things that you saw maybe an hour before when you were just on, or the days before that you were just on. And now they have this whole algorithm thing that it just knows. It's like programmed to know what you like.
Speaker 2:All right.
Speaker 1:And it just keeps feeding that, feeding that based on the things that you like, but also based on things that you're going through in your life. Yeah, that is crazy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, we can go into that whole thing about like our phones are listening to us, but I guess nowadays it may not sound as crazy to the majority of people, but still to some, but I really do think they are listening to us and when we are going through like tough things or going through rough patches in our lives, that we're not necessarily watching those videos online, but we're saying those things out loud or we're using certain words, I think it picks up on that and I think that's why we see those things. And, yeah, that's really dangerous because sometimes that could take us down a whole rabbit hole of well, if I'm feeling this way, this is exactly how I need to approach it. But then, at the same time, is that, like you said, are we feeding ourselves in a good way or in a toxic way?
Speaker 1:right, right, and I think it goes back also to like the person. Like we've all gone through breakups and I feel like my phone knew, my phone definitely knew I'm hopping on Instagram and I'm seeing, all of a sudden I'm seeing like attachment styles, and so then I, then I start getting into this whole rabbit hole for like weeks of just like studying like different attachment styles, and I was like wow, like I've been going on this now for like two or three weeks and I think it's almost like for me, you know, maybe I feel like I can be better, or feel better like in a mind state where I am down, because I've survived through that so many times that like it's almost comfortable for me to be in that place through that.
Speaker 1:So many times that like it's almost comfortable for me to be in that place, um, and so I feel like that's where you can get like that depression, that sadness, and stay in a rut like that if you don't know how to climb yourself out of it. Yeah, so I found myself having to stop looking at stuff like that, follow different kinds of pages and then you know, once the time I took the time to heal and find my happiness again, my phone was still stuck in that old algorithm of my depressed state.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And like I'm just like come on, algorithm, Like you got to catch up, Like I'm I'm over that baby, Like let's go. So it's just it's crazy. It's crazy because I definitely feel like, while at times it can help you, at the worst times it can definitely be bad for you.
Speaker 2:And when I was going through heartbreak and, you know, a tough breakup at one point, my For you page is just showing me all these tarot card readers that are telling me they're coming back, or they miss you and they want to reach out right and I, and I'm completely feeding into that and it's they start, they start throwing out dates right, they're like on this day, or it's like a thursday and this month, and you start waiting for that day to come, right, and you start trying to build yourself up for that day and then it comes, or whatever sign they said you were gonna see.
Speaker 2:You somehow see it in in your day-to-day life and you, like you're, you get stuck in that and I felt that, and you're right, you, you have to get to a point. I mean, I guess, if you really want to like move forward with your life and pull yourself out of those dark, dark days, you really have to get to a point where you're aware of what you're feeding yourself and and, yeah, reprogram that for you, paige, because it, like you said, you're going to jump back on every time you jump on, it's going to be feeding you this stuff and and you're just going to stay stuck and you're going to be stagnant and like you said you can.
Speaker 2:You can really get comfortable in those places, feeling like, well, this is all I've ever known.
Speaker 1:Exactly.
Speaker 2:And there have been times where I guess I've quote unquote reprogrammed my For you page and I've stopped getting those tarot readings or whatever. And then I guess like for a couple of months I won't see one for a while. And then out of nowhere, one pops up. I'm like what is it? What is this supposed to tell me? What is this trying to tell me? And then I'm like no, no, no, bring it back down. We don't want that.
Speaker 1:Because then you'll go back into that anxiety, you'll put yourself in a whole state of anxiety. You'll start manifesting different things. That is not aligning with what you're trying to go for at the moment. It's very, very easy and very, very quick to just slip right back into that. So you just got to regulate. You have to regulate, and people always talk about know yourself. Know yourself I think you definitely do. I think that's a little harsh to say know yourself, because for me, I'm constantly changing, constantly seeing new viewpoints and new ways to view it, talking with others and seeing their viewpoints and being, and trying to really be understanding.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:That the way that I view things is not the only way. So I mean we can go into a whole spiel about that.
Speaker 2:but no, yeah, I think you bring up a good point.
Speaker 2:That was one of the toughest things for me, I think, when I've been in my dark states or my dark periods of time in my life, like I haven't been able to connect with people because I haven't been open to accepting their points of views or open to sharing things, because I wasn't regulated.
Speaker 2:You mentioned being mentioned having to regulate sometimes and I was closed off as much as I wanted to be open to love and to new experiences and to connection. I was closed off to it unknowingly, because I wasn't able to regulate and I was operating from this heightened state of anxiety and depression and being unaware of exactly what I was trying to work through and how to regulate those feelings and the tools that were, like, needed to find a place where I can open myself back up. So you mentioned attachment styles a second ago. I'm really curious to get your thoughts on attachment styles, because that's one of the things that I use now as a tool when trying to connect to people and when trying to open up to the world in general the way that my attachment style is, and to kind of look for context clues and how that can benefit our relationship or our connection or even just our conversation, and it's not just attachment styles, that you know where someone's coming from, but it helps a lot, I think I agree.
Speaker 1:Um. So I think there's like three different attachment styles right um the one that I resonated with the most, which kind of sucks, but it is what it is. I identified more as like an anxious attachment style.
Speaker 1:I'm right with you I definitely feel like I depend on, like, other people's mood to kind of dictate mine, like just being like over observant, caring too much about how they're feeling. Not enough about what am I feeling, what am I going through, you know, just really about them, them, them and putting a lot of pressure on them. That way, I mean, when your attachment, when your attachment style is anxious attachment, you put a lot of pressure on that person to be this package for you, you know, and that can, like, stray them away from you very easy. So I feel like once I learned that I was in attachment style, I started seeing it in a lot of other areas of my life. I started seeing it at work, just being very anxious at work, being very anxious around certain people, and I'm like I don't like that. I don't like that One.
Speaker 1:The major reason I didn't like that was because it wasn't me, like it wasn't me being like my authentic self. I felt like maybe I was talking out of anxiety, I was making jokes out of anxiety, I was saying things out of anxiety that weren't really true to myself, out of this fear that maybe they wouldn't like me or maybe I would say the wrong thing, you know, looking for that validation in something else other than from within. Once I realized that and I started learning that which that was the good part about social media right Then I felt like, how you said, like I could use it as a tool to kind of help me maneuver through relationships and kind of get back to my roots and my grounding and start being authentically myself, without the fear of somebody not liking me for being who I am.
Speaker 2:I love the way you said that. You know, anxiety can really like get under our skin and it's not until like whatever experience or whatever interaction is said and done that we kind of get back home and we're kind of just alone in our space and we're like that wasn't me. That. I don't like the way I handled that. That's not who I want to be.
Speaker 1:Oh, so many times, so many times I came home and I'm like why did you say that? That wasn't even funny, like that was mean, mia, that was mean. And I'm like, oh, and then you know, like you start, I feel like, for me, I'm very, I'm very hard on myself. So I feel like, for me, I'm very hard on myself. So it's like, when I come back into my space and I start reflecting, I'm just like, oh, I'm my worst critic. But then at the same time, it's like okay, you did that, that's okay, we can learn from that.
Speaker 1:And let's just take a better step moving forward. Let's try to be more calm.
Speaker 2:Let's try maybe, not to talk so much next time, um, and just just be yourself and relax yeah, it really takes that mindset shift because if without it I think it can that anxiety or those kind of feelings can really sink into other areas of your life.
Speaker 2:You know, um, working out for me is like such an escape, like my mind just turns off and all these thoughts, whether good or bad, all these ideas that kind of like swirl in my head 24-7, can finally like calm down or almost shut off. Whenever I'm working out, right, but whenever I'm not taking care of myself and letting that anxiety get the best of me and I'm contemplating about like, oh, I shouldn't have said that, or that was cringy, or oh, my gosh, that was so embarrassing that I did that or said that or acted in that way, I've found that it sinks into those times where I'm trying to shut my brain off and just work and it's less enjoyable that way. And these escapes that I can find throughout my day are so much less enjoyable whenever I can't regulate, whenever I can't get a hold of myself and forgive myself and let myself just be forgiveness, oh, forgiving yourself is so like, for for me it's, it's difficult.
Speaker 1:You know, I I hold on to a lot of mistakes that I've made, um, but I I do feel like I'm getting better, better at letting that go and just kind of moving forward. Um, but escapes, yes, definitely working out like, oh my goodness, I don't even know how I was handling life before, because there was a stint where I was just not working out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I felt that too yeah.
Speaker 1:And I think that also plays not not just into the anxiety, but also into, I mean yourself, worse. You know how you feel about yourself. Um, for me, anyway, that's how I I felt like when I wasn't working out. I wasn't, I didn't feel good about myself. Um, I didn't feel good about myself image, you know, maybe I, I felt like I, I I weighed too much or I didn't. I wish I would have, uh, looked how I looked 15 years ago in high school, like you know. Um, so I think working out has helped. Um, yoga, god, it is a game changer, game changer. I have fallen completely in love with yoga and yoga has like fallen completely in love with me, and it feels good to have like a reciprocity like that with something you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah what would you say is probably the biggest thing it's helped you with slowing down my entire nervous system.
Speaker 1:I normally hit yoga as of lately, since school has started um after work. So it's like I start my workday, there's this task I have to do, right after another, but after another it's just like go, go, go, and by 2 o'clock I'm like, oh God, I can't wait to get off here at 3 so I can go and do yoga. It's like my saving grace every day. So I go to yoga and they're just so kind and it's just so amazing to be inside and be around those people. So once I'm finished with it, the biggest difference that I can tell is that I'm definitely way more calm. I've taken that hour when I step inside yoga and I start. We always set our intention and normally I'm not a big intention person because I'm like I just want the world and the universe and God to just be talking to me Like what you got for me today.
Speaker 1:But sometimes when I do set my intention I try to set it more often is okay, this is my time, so any other thought about anybody else or anything that I have to do can wait until this hour is over. This is about me, so I take that time, I'm thinking about me, doing things for me, and then, as soon as it's done, I go and I have a little hot tea that they have. I drink my hot tea and then I go in my car and that is the biggest difference is driving, driving home, because everybody's just like go, go, go, and I'm over here like la, la la just taking my time.
Speaker 1:No, you go ahead, sir, Go right on. I'm just in like a better mood and I just that's.
Speaker 2:that's just the biggest difference for me I want to go to this yoga studio and I want to drink this tea and I want to chill out like I want to set my intention. That sounds so nice, like I think we're.
Speaker 2:We're constantly being stimulated in so many different ways in our day-to-day life, like from every direction, and yeah, I totally get that, just like when I'm doing this, when I'm working out, like everything can wait. This is for me Because, like I struggle with people pleasing, I'm a people pleaser like top to bottom, all the way around. And if I could just have that one hour, that hour and a half, whatever it is, whatever it ends up being, if I can just have that, that one hour, that an hour and a half, whatever it is right, whatever it ends up being, if I can just have that, then everybody else can have whatever else, like it wouldn't even matter.
Speaker 1:I just that's for me well, if you're ever in austin, hit me up and I'll take you to this yoga studio and you're gonna love it. It and they're going to love you.
Speaker 2:I want to go to Austin just to go to this yoga studio.
Speaker 1:No, for real, you got to Shout out Flow.
Speaker 2:Yoga you already know Speaking about like that hour or that timeframe, whatever it is, or that part in your day. That's just for you. I want to talk about the importance of setting boundaries, like whether that's online or offline or wherever right, like just setting boundaries. How beneficial that can be and how important it is to learn how to set them, not kind of just shut yourself off from the world, right, or just not to just say no for the sake of saying no, but healthy ways to set boundaries. What are your thoughts on that? What's your experience with setting boundaries?
Speaker 1:I never set boundaries ever in my life and I feel like just recently I have, because I'm a people pleaser too. Oh, you like, I'm like you need me for something. I got you. Like what, what do you need? What do you need me for something? Oh, I got you. What do you need? What do you need? I can do it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can do that for sure, knowing damn well I don't have the mental capacity to fulfill that for them. And I think that's where boundaries come in. They are huge. They're huge to your mental state, but ultimately you have to have boundaries or else you're just going to spread yourself thin and again you're just going to send your body into this frenzy and you're just going to start acting out of whatever you're feeling at that moment. So I think for me it like reinforces who I am and what I stand for. So if I'm just out doing whatever, whatever, whatever they say, it's like you're abandoning yourself and that's why you feel X, Y, z, that's why you're going through xyz. So if you can have boundaries and set better boundaries and healthier boundaries, you're not abandoning yourself.
Speaker 1:You're sticking up for yourself and that in turn and internally, helps you feel better yeah and like, if some, if people can't respect your boundaries or validate them, then you start realizing who deserves to be in your life and who does not deserve to be in your life, and I think it also reinforces like, okay, I'm okay with that person not being in my life then, because I know that I'm just asking for bare minimum, like it's, I'm not asking for like an outlandish task, you know. And so it's like it just helps. It helps you feel better, it helps reinforce that you are worth those boundaries.
Speaker 2:Very true, very true. You know I can't tell you how many times I've left myself behind when I didn't set boundaries and how many times I've ran myself into the ground because of that. But one of the beneficial things for me like at least the way that I've started to look at it now is like I'm the parent and my inner child obviously needs taken care of. And I'm not a very confrontational person at all and the experiences that I've had that I think are leading into confrontation. Where my inner child has needed me the most is like needing someone to stand up for him or needing someone to protect him.
Speaker 1:I, when I look at it that way, then it's no longer confrontation, it's I need to take a stand and I need to set a boundary you know, I've I've always heard like, oh, you have to parent your inner child, and I've never understood what that meant until you just explained it to me, and that's the perfect way to explain it, Thank you.
Speaker 2:Oh, of course, Thank you, you took me there. You know, I think we carry a lot from our childhood. I don't want to go too much into that, but I think there are things that we find in our adult lives that we're still carrying from our childhood and it really takes like breaking those cycles and learning how to forgive ourselves for carrying that this whole time or find ways to forgive the person that kind of handed that to us. And it's kind of like teaching a child, a young child, how to operate from here on, and then we kind of always like carry the beneficial things or the healed things right and that's how we face the world from from then on, and I think that's parenting your inner child oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for that I, I feel you it it's been really hard at this point in my life kind of realizing, like I'm, I guess, going back to attachment styles we've been talking to that like I'm anxious as well, I'm the anxious attachment style as well and, you know, in learning about it more and wondering why that has led to the ways that I've acted out in my life throughout my life so far, the ways that things have or haven't mostly haven't worked out for me in my life. It's made me wonder, like why? Like why is this my attachment style? Like how did I adopt this? I wish I could have adopted a different one, right?
Speaker 2:And it's in learning all of that that I've kind of realized like it's because I've been carrying this and it's because I've been carrying this and it's because I've been carrying this and I need it's time to let that go, it's time to forgive that, it's time to set myself free, and I think that's that's the thing that has.
Speaker 2:Really understanding that and taking that on has really been the thing that's led me to put myself out there, whether that's online or offline, putting myself out there and what like, as long as it's genuine, and it's led me to put myself out there, whether that's online or offline, putting myself out there and what like. As long as it's genuine and it's genuinely me and I'm coming from a place where I'm trying to heal my hurts, like then I'm only going to get good back Right. If I put good out there, I'm only going to get good back. And it's only with parenting my inner child, learning my attachment style and how to regulate my emotions and through all those tools right, only in those ways can can I present my authentic self.
Speaker 1:I've found myself limiting myself to old stories that I've hung on to for so long about myself. You know, like, oh, you always do this. This is just always how you've been. Like when this happens, this is how you react all the time. You know, I think recently the most recent thing that I've learned about myself is whenever I get hurt, I act out in spitefulness because somebody else is hurting me. Well then I'm upset about it. So then I want to hurt them and I like, until recently, I was like, wow, like that's crazy. I've, I've always done that.
Speaker 1:You know, we grew up in Mexican households. I don't, I don't know how your family was, but you know just generational stuff that I'm sure my mom has been through, my dad has been through. Like you know, they, they grew up in a whole other household with, with, with old, old beliefs, you know, with old, old beliefs, and it does come up to the way that you were brought up and how you handled that and how things were handled that way, and that's where you learn all that, and it's just crazy to me that at 32 years old, I'm having to relearn how to do things.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, that word right there relearn can feel really heavy.
Speaker 1:There was a point, I love my 30s. By the way, I don't know about you, oh absolutely.
Speaker 1:I am in love with my 30s Me too. It definitely beats the 20s. I feel like there have been like two waking points in my life, I want to say back when I was like 27. And what I mean by waking up is like I feel like I was on autopilot, just like going through the motions, going through life, not sitting down and doing like the self work at all. I didn't even know what that was.
Speaker 1:And then you know something traumatic happens in your life and then you have to sit down with yourself and take that time with yourself. And that's what I describe as like the wake up, because you wake up and you snap out of whatever you were going through and you realize, wow, like this is where I am. Then you see everything that's around you and you're like, wow, like I've, I've put myself here because I didn't have boundaries, because I didn't have self-worth, because I didn't know myself or my attachment style or whatever. So I feel like there was that one. And then, once I hit 30, boom, there was another one. I feel like immediately as I turned 30, I woke up again and I was like, oh man, like I thought I woke up before, but now I'm really awake and I'm very self-aware.
Speaker 2:I feel that too, because I felt that probably towards the end of my 29th year and I kind of felt that, felt myself getting to that place where I was like waking up and being like, oh, these things are not good Like this, these things that I've been doing are not helping me out in any way, shape or form. It's time to level up, right, that wake up, that awakening, and I felt like I stepped into my 30s with that mindset as well and I wanted to take in all as much information as I could. I wanted to take in all as much information as I could and I wanted to keep leveling up and leveling up and learning more about how I can, how my life can, benefit from those things that you said, like boundaries, and. But what I found is I got complacent still, like I got to a good place, right, and I was.
Speaker 2:I was in that, that I was awake, but I was finding a place where I started to get complacent and it wasn't until maybe 32, 33 that I was like, oh, I fell asleep again, like I let myself fall back down, I let myself go again and I kind of had to like, pull myself out of that again and level up and and that was like we've done it before, you can do it again, but this time find ways that you can just build, not fall back down, not tear everything down a couple months from now or a year from now, but to continue building. And yeah, I'm just always trying to stay awake, but I think it's real, I think it's human nature Like. I think it's for real, I think it's human nature like. I think it's human nature to get comfortable, like even in the times that we're trying to be better and better ourselves and grow and heal and learn all that stuff, like I think it's still, even then, human nature to get comfortable again and I don't.
Speaker 2:I don't mean for that to sound negative, I'm not saying that in a bad way, but I think that's just what human nature is is to find a place where you're comfortable again, like cool. Like you know, I feel really good, I've learned a lot, I feel like I'm in a good place and I can kind of ease off the gas just a little bit and cruise. I'm in a good spot, I just want to cruise right. I'm not trying to race forward anymore, I'm not waking up, trying to race out the door, I'm just trying to cruise right now. And then we find ourselves kind of in that place, like you said again, where it's like you. You, it's time, like you get pushed by life or by experiences or by whatever it is external forces to wake up again and then you have to.
Speaker 1:You have to make a decision. You're put in a position where it's like it's fight or flight. Yeah, it feels, that way I want to ask you something when you feel yourself getting into that complacent state, like what is happening in your life, that you feel like you can let off the gas.
Speaker 2:I feel like at that point, it doesn't feel like I'm letting off the gas. It feels like I'm at a good speed, good speed, and I guess I'm reaping all the benefits from whatever I'm doing on a day-to-day basis, whatever routine I've fallen into. I feel like I'm constantly waking up feeling good, constantly going to bed feeling good. And I think it's in that place, like feeling that that I am like cool, I'm good, like I don't have to work as hard. I get to a place where I'm like I've been working really hard, like I deserve to celebrate myself, I deserve to treat myself, and I think that's I get to a point where, like that's what I'm feeling, it's like I can celebrate what I've done up until that point.
Speaker 1:I feel that too okay. So I watched this video on youtube right. So now I'm a master, um, and it was talking about this, this big square that you have, that's your life like. You have this big square, and inside this big square you have all these other little squares, and these other squares can be and what you value the most or what brings you the most happiness in life. So it's like, okay, your family, okay, working out your relationship, your job, and each one of these squares are different sizes based on how much it matters to you.
Speaker 1:So I sat down and I kind of drew up my Mm-hmm see colors, uh, the flowers smell so good and the wind's blowing hair and everything is perfect. And then, once you strip that out of someone's life or that goes away, then you like fall into that pit. For me, yeah, I, I fall into a pit, and then, all of a sudden, everything's gray, the flowers are dead, and so when I heard the guy talking about that, I was like wow, and he was like it's okay, it's all right, it's okay. What you have to do is try to make those other boxes bigger, boxes bigger. That way, whenever things are not there anymore, you're still happy because you're, because you've surrounded yourself by other things that bring you happiness instead of just that. One thing and I think that also goes back to my attachment style is that I put so much emphasis and worth into something else that isn't me.
Speaker 2:I've felt that too, where all of a sudden, this thing that you've poured so much into is just gone and it's this empty space, like that's a beautiful visualization that square with all the other squares inside it. I can just imagine how many times I've put one thing above all the other squares and poured so much into it without realizing it wasn't pouring as much back into me, and then all of a sudden it's gone and it's this empty space and you know, I just want to just pause real quick.
Speaker 1:I, whenever you like, asked me to like talk and like have this conversation with you and then, like, you sent me like the points that you know that you wanted to cover and I was like, oh, I love these, this is great. I really had to sit down with myself and be like, okay, mia, but this is going to require you to be vulnerable and share experiences that you've been through and, like, I'm totally fine with that because I, like I said like I want connection and so if this helps me connect with other people who are kind of like going through the same thing or similar things, or who have been there and they could be like, yeah, I hear you, like, that's ultimately what I'm looking for, you know. So I'm just trying to be vulnerable and because I'm not the only person that's gone through this, you know, yeah, I spiral, I spiral. I'm trying to spiral less. So my question was, aside from like working out, how do you keep yourself from spiraling?
Speaker 2:Honestly, it's kind of finding a way to take the things that I'm spiraling about and set them down somewhere, whether that's like journaling and I know like everybody journals everybody's got a journal you could just write Like to some people it may just be writing some words on a paper, but I think if you set an intention with it, it really can become taking these thoughts and these worries and this feeling that's the cause of all this spiraling.
Speaker 2:Just grabbing it and setting it down and feeling like you can go about the rest of your day or go to sleep or whatever you got to do. You can go and do that now because you've set it down for a second and you're free to pick it back up at any point. If it's unresolved, if you feel like it's something you still need to sort through, you can do that. You can go back and pick it back up whenever you want, but for just that moment it set it down why be in my journal just scribbling just yeah, chicken scratch everywhere and sometimes it's like sometimes it's a lot right, it's a lot you want to get down, and sometimes it's just a sentence, but they're just as effective.
Speaker 2:Whether it's just a sentence or it's 10 paragraphs, it's just as effective. I can hear your pin on the paper. No, it's good, I like it. I I appreciate that because I, you know, I think a lot of people think about a podcast as like, just you know, shoot the shit. What is it called? Yap, yap, yap.
Speaker 2:Like just let it all out there, right. But I personally do not have the gift of gab as well as I'd like to think I do or as well as I would like to have, and so I'm very much that person, that's, you know, taking notes or writing down questions or trying to elaborate on paper first so that I can solidify that thought, that feeling, and then present it right. And I've always looked at it, as you know, maybe not a downfall, but kind of like a setback. It's like I gotta do that first before I can present it, and I've always kind of looked at it as a setback. But I'm starting to look at it as like a superpower, right, like I like to make sure everything's concrete before I present it, and there's nothing wrong with that and so I appreciate I appreciate you taking the time to write your notes, write your questions, questions.
Speaker 2:I appreciate it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, I think if I I don't know if I could have just came on here and started yapping immediately, I mean, I definitely think in the beginning I was pretty nervous, but then, once we started talking about attachment style, I was like, okay, my intention for this podcast was to be my authentic self and I cannot let my anxiety drive who I am not, you know. Yeah, so now that I feel like we're, I'm a little bit more settled and I'm not so anxious, like I'm able to get my thoughts together and what I truly think and what I want to ask you too, in the midst of listening to what you're saying, I'm like, okay, like, yeah, like I want to know more about what he thinks about that, because, um, talking with people has helped me so much learn a lot. And, yeah, and and in these vulnerable moments of like, well, like you know, I, I did go through this and well, I wonder if, what, what he, if he's gone through anything similar and how did he handle that? You know so, because I mean, I, I can't be crazy, you know, but I'm just like trying to make better, better decisions. We, we all can, we all can be.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I get that and you know, I appreciate you being willing to open up and to be your authentic self and to be vulnerable, because, you know, I've realized I didn't.
Speaker 2:I thought everybody had, you know, friends that they can open up and vent to the way that you and I can, in the way that we do with our friends and our close, our close relationships, right, but I've come to learn that not everybody has that, not every like. There are some people that have friends that they just hang out. They're not, they're not trying to vent, they're just trying to hang out and maybe that's an escape in its own, in its own way, right. But there are people that don't have that support system and it's just like, like, oh, we'll just go and, you know, play some basketball, or we'll just go and play video games, or we'll just go out and drink and watch a sports game on the tv right at the bar and and I I'm so grateful to know what it feels like to open up with someone like this and to feel these things and to feel validated in this way with you because you know, not everybody gets that.
Speaker 1:No no, not everybody does. And I mean, I definitely have friends that I'm just like like these are party friends, oh well, these are, these are my yoga friends, or these are my flag football friends, or these are my. We go out and eat at nice places, friends. Yeah, my dog. He's like give me attention, please, I'll validate me. Yes, ozzy, you have feelings too.
Speaker 1:We know, um, that that is a great, that's a great point and that's actually a question that I had written down that I wanted to ask you about, um, because somebody had asked me this question, um, and we were just like talking about, you know, ways to blow off steam and we find ourselves, you know, being really good throughout the week and going to bed on time and eating really healthy and watching good things and just like investing good stuff into ourselves. And then there's times where, on the weekend, it's just like we forget all of that and we just like put ourselves through hell, binge drinking, and it's just like what, and I mean at my age, at my big age, it takes me like three or four days to recover from that, and you know. So then that starts going into my work week and I'm just like, oh, like I can't do that to myself, so then that starts going into my work week and I'm just like, oh, I can't do that to myself.
Speaker 1:It's like what are healthy ways to let off steam where you can still have fun and still go out with your friends but you don't have to kill yourself to have such a good time?
Speaker 2:Yeah, there are times, like you said, during the week, where I'm in my routine and I'm doing the things that make me feel good and I'm like God, this feels so good, I feel so good today. And then I get to the weekend, right, and it's like oh, I just want to sit on the couch, I just want to go out and have whatever I want to eat. You know, I want to go hang with friends and, like you said, have drinks and listen to good music, and if I stay out all night, then that's fine, like it's not a big deal, right. And then you forget how good those things feel like from your weekdays, right, when you're taking care of yourself and look, don't get me wrong going out with your friends and having a good time and having a couple of drinks and eating whatever you want. There's nothing wrong with that and that is very much a good time. Like that is very much having a good time. Time Like that is very much having a good time.
Speaker 2:But I think it's even still whether this sounds fun to whoever's listening or whether it doesn't.
Speaker 2:Like if someone's like, oh, there's no fun in that, but like even in the times where it doesn't feel like you've got your foot off the gas, like, remember that you're still driving somewhere. Right, If you've got your headlights on and your sights set on where you're trying to get to, don forget that you're still driving. You can make a pit stop and you can have some fun in whatever outlet you want to use, right, but you're still trying to get somewhere. Make sure that you're, whatever your whatever gas station you're trying to fuel up at that, it's not the kind of fuel like, like you said, that's going to take a couple of days to recover from before you get back to full speed. Make sure it's. You know it's. It's the kind that reminds you that like this is so much fun. I'm glad that I'm not having to work so hard to enjoy this time, but I'm still motivated and so excited to get back to the drive that's a good way to put it.
Speaker 1:Um, you're still driving and you might take a pit stop. Yeah, that's okay. It's okay, it's not. You're not derailing your whole life, yeah, we're on the pancake tour of america that's good, thank you yeah, we're like you said we're.
Speaker 2:We're not in the business of trying to derail our life, we're just trying to get to where we're going and you know that it goes back to, like you know, on your own path, make carving your own way and enjoying your journey. I think that's very like. The pit stops and the scenery are just as much part of the journey as the destination is. All of it's important, just as much part of the journey as the destination is.
Speaker 1:All of it's important, thank you.