Anxiety Made Me Act Out Of Character and Now The World Is Ending

Who are you going to be? That's the question I'm learning to pause and ask myself when anxiety has me convinced that acting out without any second thought about consequences is the best move forward. Music by DayFox on Pixabay. 

Chapters

• 0:00 Managing Anxiety in Relationships
• 8:45 Navigating Anxiety and Relationships

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Just saying I don't want to be anxious or feel anxious anymore isn't going to be the thing that fixes it. It doesn't disappear overnight simply because you're tired of it getting in the way of or ruining relationships. So what's up, beautiful people, welcome back to Donations. I'm your host, donovan, and it's an early morning start and I could not be more excited for the day and more excited about the fact that you're back here joining me for what I hope to be another beneficial, inspirational, motivational moment here at Donations. When I think of problems or arguments, disagreements or rifts happening in my relationships, here's the thing I'm very much the kind of person who has to solve or fix whatever issue comes up in the very moment it comes up in. There's no sense in wasting any time in. There's no sense in wasting any time. Let's talk everything out as soon as possible. It doesn't matter who it is, how uncomfortable it might be or whatever, because the more time you give me to stew in something, the more ridiculous scenarios I'm going to be playing out in my head and that's no good for either of us the more I'm going to convince myself that whoever the other party is that the issue involves is going to hate me for the rest of our lives, whether I'm the one to blame or not, and it's just going to get out of hand. Just going to get out of hand? Would I love to sit here and tell you that that's not me and that I've learned how to handle that kind of anxiety in this more mature part of my life? Absolutely, of course. But if I'm being honest, that's not the case, and what I'm learning from some conversations I've had recently is that it's not the case for a lot of others too. We get so wrapped up in our heads when problems come up in friendships or relationships or with family members or whatever the case may be, whoever it is, and we just let that anxiety grow and grow, running away with us until we're too far gone. And I've read a lot of books and have looked into everything anxiety-related under the sun, and what I've learned is that just saying I don't want to be anxious or feel anxious anymore isn't going to be the thing that fixes it. It doesn't disappear overnight simply because you're tired of it getting in the way of or ruining relationships. If you're someone who deals with anxiety, you kind of just feel like it's always been there, right, maybe minuscule during some parts of life and bigger in others, but it's just always kind of lingered around. And having anxiety is one thing, but the whole reacting because of anxiety is a whole other beast.

Speaker 1: 4:13

Don't get me started on the amount of times anxiety has filled my cup and gotten me drunk, on the idea that chasing someone down and lashing out at them is the right thing to do, that the outrageous scenarios I've made up in my head are indeed what's actually happening. That going into people-pleasing mode, disregarding my own needs and prioritizing someone else's just to get on their good side so that the issue disappears, is perfectly normal. Or that invading someone's privacy is okay, that retreating or being resentful because things aren't going my way is valid. Or that everyone hates me and the world is definitely ending. Or that until I can harp on someone enough for them to give me the only explanation that makes sense to my anxiety-filled brain for whatever issue is going on, then nothing will ever make sense, even if the explanation they are giving me is logical and that, even if I'm acting out of character, it's okay because it's the only thing that feels right in the moment, regardless of the amount of guilt I may or may not feel.

Speaker 1: 5:22

After all is said and done, it's a ridiculous rollercoaster. And if you keep anxiety in your back pocket too, whether you've said any of this out loud or not, it's something you most likely already know. But in the heat of the moment, we're all just kind of blind to any kind of consequence when we're being so reactive or anxiety has us so punch drunk or whatever you want to call it. And it's only after the fires have died down and you've taken a second to breathe that you can logically register the fact that acting out in those ways is definitely not okay. But, most importantly, it's not who you are, and it really feels like the world is ending sometimes thinking that someone got the wrong impression of you, right, and you've done irreparable damage to a relationship or a friendship. And you've done irreparable damage to a relationship or a friendship. So how then do I break away from that, is my question. If just for a second to remember who I am and who I want to be? Well, it's pretty simple really. I just tell myself chill, sis, calm your tits. No, kidding, but not kidding, but in all seriousness, pause. I've learned it's all about taking a pause, a pause to stop yourself from acting out from that heightened state from being reactive and granting not only the relationship but, most importantly, your self, space to breathe and regulate.

Speaker 1: 7:09

I feel like just knowing what self-regulating is and taking note of when is the best time to practice. It has been such a game-changing tool to keep in my back pocket. It's basically learning to calm those anxious feelings that you get when your relationships or friendships are in rocky territory, and working to stay balanced and focused, instead of being reactive in a way that's out of character or that garners far more consequences than we're equipped to handle. And I don't mean to say that so casually either, because it's not the easiest thing to do when, like me, all you've known is emotional reactivity. It really takes practice and it really takes practice.

Speaker 1: 8:00

And what self-regulating is looks different for everyone. For me it varies. Sometimes it's a walk outside with my AirPods in and some music drowning out any thought possible. Other times it's singing at the top of my lungs like I'm at the final stop of my record-breaking world tour, getting my emotions out in that way until I'm just plain exhausted. And sometimes it's venting to friends or journaling, taking whatever thoughts are in my head and speaking them out loud or writing them out in front of me to either validate them or change them, or to simply open my mind to other points of views.

Speaker 1: 8:45

I think, whatever your pause looks like, it's important to grant enough space for one, because when you're faced with whatever type of relationship issue is causing so much anxiety and you don't want to do that whole reacting out of anxiety thing, you let enough time go by that you're no longer in that fight or flight state and your nervous system has calmed down enough because you've given yourself enough space to process your emotions in a healthy way, allowing yourself to actually feel them in your body instead of just in your head. And when you've processed them, you free up the capacity that anxiety takes up and you can move forward, looking at things with reason and rationality and resolve, and from there take the necessary steps for your higher and best self. It's what we're all trying to do, right, but I get it. We can only control ourselves, right. And even if those necessary steps include resolve, that takes effort and intention from the other party too. And so what if they aren't always willing to meet us halfway? And to that I say we take the high road and move forward the best way we can when our hope to resolve instead of our race to react isn't equally met. And then I think about what learning to take that pause does for me.

Speaker 1: 10:25

Outside of relationships, like in life in general, when life doesn't go my way and anxiety is trying to convince me to go kicking and screaming until it finally gives in to me, I work to find some space to breathe and find a way to turn that whole mentality of everything is happening to me into everything is happening for me. I think one of the hardest parts in that mentality switch comes from just how much the internet is a part of my day. I really do think that there is a good balance between good and bad online, but the bad stuff gets so much more attention. We love the juicy, scandalous, dramatic stuff and it gets really amped up to the next level when everyone's chiming in, everyone's trying to get their input or comment to be the most liked or validated or agreed with. And the more we let those things take center stage, the more we can fall into the drama of life and further cement the habit of, like I said, this is happening to me, so I must react, and when we build that habit and then channel it into relationships or whatever issues come up in them.

Speaker 1: 11:44

It can make us feel like we always need to be one step ahead or in control of every situation or argument or disagreement, and that does nothing but keep us in a reactive state and turned off to listening and understanding.

Speaker 1: 12:04

Probably one of the biggest lessons I'm still working to get a genuine grasp on is that, in relationships, being reactive and trying to be in control of any uncomfortable situation really only prevents the acknowledgement of discomfort and really hinders the ability to learn how to move together in a way that allows the strength of a true relationship or friendship to overcome any unsteadiness. I always refer back to the question who are you going to be? Whether it's when I'm getting ready to start my day, when I'm warming up before a workout, when I'm preparing to speak to my work in a major project at work, or when I'm about to play a part in the relationships I keep, I always ask myself who are you going to be? I think that's a pause I'm learning to take and stretch out as long as necessary so that I'm sure I'm presenting exactly who I believe my higher, more aware and more worthy self to be, instead of my more aggravated angry, wounded or reactive self. Who are you going to be Until the next one? Be careful.